Day Seven – #30DayBlogChallenge

Day Seven: Your dream wedding.

Funny story… If you asked me this question about 18 months ago, I’d have said “Oh, I don’t want to get married. I don’t see the point.” And then I started dating a wonderful man who made me see why people did want to get married. Okay, so we did break up. But that’s not what I’m getting at.

I definitely don’t want a huge white wedding with five hundred guests and no time to enjoy my new husband/my dear friends/the food because I’m so busy making sure that a work colleague’s younger sister is having a good time or listening to aunty Jane’s new boyfriend’s dirty jokes. Nope, none of that is for me.

My “dream wedding” involves being really small… No more than, say, twenty of our closest friends. I want a secular ceremony but still, selfishly, want to wear a wedding dress. (I’d like to wear an ivory one like my mom did. I think I’m way past qualifying for a white gown). I want no bridesmaids, no “maid of honour”, no politics… I know that my closest friends will bend over backwards to help me out, so why do they need schmancy titles? I want a pretty, quiet venue with good food – and then we can all just hang out and party together afterwards.

No mess, no fuss – and hopefully a night that will be much more relaxing than having two hundred guests waiting for you to take your photographs for three hours after the wedding. (That’s another thing. My photographer will know that there will only be a very brief photo session. In fact, I’d probably just pay one of my stupidly talented friends to take the photos for me – they’d have a better sense of me and my future husband anyway).

All of this is moot, of course, because I’m ridiculously single at the moment… And will probably end up alone, the old Crazy Hedgehog lady anyway.

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Kim Kardashian’s “fairytale wedding”. Oh, kill me now.

Kim Kardashian on the cover of OK!

All about "Kim's dream wedding"! Ooh, hold me back!

I’m just going to lay it out there.

If Kim Kardashian doesn’t get married soon, I’m likely to throw myself off the balcony at work. And, considering we work on the sixth floor, I may die. And it will all be Kim’s fault.

Seriously – I read and write about celebrity gossip for a living, so I’m pretty tolerant of all the associated bullshit. But her wedding to Kris Humphries has just about pushed me over the edge.

For weeks and weeks – since the engagement with the rose petals and the surprising-her-upstairs-in-her-bedroom with the $2-million engagement ring – all the little pumpkin has been able to talk about is her wedding, which is currently scheduled for 20 August. I say “currently”, because if a blonde poppie can dump Hugh Hefner’s ass, anything is possible.

Like the fact that her wedding dress is being designed by “close family friend” Vera Wang. That she’s going to have a 10-tier cake that’s meant to resemble the cake at Prince William’s wedding to Kate Middleton. That she’s going to wear her hair up (seriously, people were voting on this point). That she’s launched an exclusive bottle of perfume to celebrate her wedding (it’s called “Love” and you could own one of the 799 bottles for just $100!!). That her mom’s had a face-lift in preparation for the big day. Ooh, also – fans can help Kim choose her wedding song!

Most nauseatingly – that she’s convinced her wedding will be bigger and better than the royal wedding. According to pals, of course – with one person claiming, “Kim is planning the wedding of the century. She doesn’t see why a royal wedding should get more attention that hers. She sees herself as a bigger celebrity than Kate Middleton.”

Seriously, what fucked up world do we live in that a reality star’s wedding to a sportsman is likely to be “the wedding of the century”?

More ranting after the jump…

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A right Royal mess

Charlene Wittstock

The new Princess Charlene of Monaco

So there’s pretty much only two things making headlines in South Africa at this point – the Great Vodacom Crash of 2011 (thank goodness I switched networks a few months ago!) and Charlene Wittstock’s wedding to Prince Albert of Monaco.

The whole thing was expected to be a fairytale affair… It’s a beautiful story (on paper ) – a Zimbabwean-born, South African swimmer catches the eye of the prince of the richest country in the world. Of course, that’s soured a little by the fact that said prince was also one of the biggest playboys in the world…

But after years of dating, Charlene Wittstock and Prince Albert of Monaco were due to wed in a highly anticipated summer ceremony. Rumours flew over the menu, the dress, the guest list – it was a wonderful reminder of that other royal wedding a little earlier in the year, only this time it was a Proudly South African wedding! And the new Princess of Monaco made sure that there was a wonderful taste of South Africa – wines from Stellenbosch, chefs from Zimbali and a touch of Afrikaans added to the proceedings.

But there’s a dark cloud hanging over the proceedings – one that, try as they might, can’t be covered by Armani embroidery and Swarovski crystals.

Those persistent rumours – that Charlene tried to run away – just won’t die down. And the more people try to brush the talk aside, the stronger it roars back… And it’s a case of well, where there’s smoke there is most likely fire, too. Continue reading

10 Super-Secret Celebrity Weddings

Rachel Weisz and Daniel Craig

Rachel Weisz and Daniel Craig

So in one of the biggest “Huh?!” moments I’ve experienced as Entertainment Ed to date, Daniel Craig and Rachel Wiesz got married in an uber-secret ceremony in New York over the weekend. Somehow, I’d forgotten the two were even dating… That’s how low-key they were! Their future kids have totally, totally lucked out in the gene pool. She’s so beautiful and he’s freaking James Bond!

Anyway, I got all carried away for work with celeb weddings… Check out the list here!

Penelope Cruz and Javier Bardem: They’re one of the most notoriously private couples in Hollywood – and so it was no surprise that their wedding flew way, way under the radar. The Spanish superstars, who welcomed their son Leo into the world earlier this year, tied the knot in an intimate ceremony at a friend’s home in the Bahamas in July 2010, their representative confirmed some time later.

Alicia Keys and Swizz Beatz: The musical couple – who had already taken part in a Zulu “union” during the 2010 World Cup, blessing their relationship and their unborn child – were married in an intimate ceremony in Corsica at the end of July 2010. Their marriage was performed by modern-day guru Deepak Chopra.

Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green: The former Transformers stunner shattered men’s hearts across the globe when she tied the knot with Brian Austin Green in a super-secret ceremony at the Four Season Hotel in Hawaii. They had eloped to ensure they weren’t stalked by the paparazzi – and even Fox’s father only found out about the ceremony afterwards. She was still kind enough to send him some pictures from her phone.

Jessica Alba and Cash Warren Fantastic Four beauty Jessica Alba tied the knot with musician Cash Warren at a Beverly Hills courthouse, with no guests and only officials to witness it. The wedding was such a secret that Alba’s brother only found out about the ceremony after Us Weekly magazine contacted him for comment.

Britney Spears and Kevin Federline: When Britney Spears got hitched to dancer Kevin Federline in 2007, it was in the height of secrecy. The couple – who went through a very, very public divorce not long after – invited 27 friends and family to witness their nuptials. However, their loved ones were under the impression that they were there for an engagement party.

LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian: The scandalous couple – who cheated on their respective spouses with each other – seemed to have taken their cue from Britney and K-Fed! They tied the knot in front of 40 of their closest friends and family in April this year, and much like Brit’s wedding, guests thought that they were attending an engagement party! Here’s hoping this marriage lasts a little longer.

James van der Beek and Kimberly Brooks: Former Dawson’s Creek star decided to announce that he had tied the knot with pregnant Kimberly Brooks – via Twitter. He took to the social networking site to announce the surprise ceremony, saying, “The woman I love did me the honour of became my wife today … I look forward to earning her for the rest of my life [sic]”. Aww.

Jay-Z and Beyonce : They’ve been dubbed hip-hop’s royal couple – but despite tying the knot in an ultra, ultra-secret wedding in April 2008 they’ve yet to officially confirm that they are man and wife. Talk about keeping the private, private!

Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon: Never one to shy away from publicity, Mariah Carey’s beach wedding to Nick Cannon wasn’t so much a secret as a complete and total surprise… after only a few weeks of dating. It even had friends questioning the validity of the relationship – which has since produced twin babies!

Gisele Bundchen and Tom Brady: A slight variation of the “surprise wedding” formula, guests at Gisele Bundchen and Tom Brady’s wedding thought they were attending a christening for their infant son, Benjamin.

 

A new addition to the “Why are they famous?” club

So I have quite a few people on my “Erm, why are they so famous again?” list*. You can see the original list (with original snarky comments!) on iafrica.com, if you like. But here are my favourites:

It started off with Paris Hilton (she’s famous for going to parties and releasing a sex tape), Kim Kardashian (supposed to be famous for Keeping Up With the Kardashians, actually famous for a sex tape), local girl Khanyi Mbau (in the Paris Hilton model, has she released a sex tape? I’m sure she’s made one), “Speidi” (originally on The Hills, when their fame waned they claimed there was a sex tape), Kendra Wilkinson (was a former Hugh Hefner girlfriend), Jordan (big boobs) and Mike “The Situation” (nice abs).

Sure, most of them have their own reality shows etc etc, but there’s a new addition. A spectacular new addition. Courtesy, this time, of the British Royal Family. And what, might you ask, is this new addition famous for?

Find out after the jump…

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A Royal pain-in-the…

Lego

Prince William and Kate Middleton in Lego format.

Look, I’ll admit. I do have certain squishy feelings for the British monarchy. They’re relatively pretty to look at and mildly amusing – particularly when they’re making racist jokes (ah, Prince Phillip) and dressing as Hitler and getting stoned (Prince Harry totally turned out to be more fun). But this upcoming wedding has left me feeling a little green. (And not the Prince Harry kind…!)

It’s actually not so much the Royal Wedding itself (and you know you can pretty much hear the capital letters in that phrase) – it’s been the build up… and quite possibly, largely the hundreds of thousands of wedding-inspired trinkets up for sale. Everything from condoms to coffee cups has William & Kate’s faces on them. It’s a marvellous case of “let’s all jump on the bandwagon”. Want to knit your own royal wedding? You can do that too! Looking for “royal” cat food? It’s available.

The media (led, oddly enough, by the US outlets) has speculated on everything from who’ll design Kate’s dress to what knickers she’ll wear on the day. The literary gem that is the UK newspaper The Sun reported that Kate’s been having a recurring nightmare – that she’s at the altar and realises she’s completely naked. No kidding. If it were me, I’d be having much stronger nightmares.

I’ll be quite keen to see the wedding itself – what Kate will wear, what their guests will wear, what vows they recite and whether or not somebody will do/say something inappropriate. But, I feel, this could all be a wackload more fun if we all played the Royal Wedding drinking game (or some variation of it). Sadly, I’m working tomorrow… And apparently they frown upon you being boozed out your bracket at the workplace at 11am.

The world has gone mad over the wedding, and I understand that it’s a nice change of pace from the death and destruction that we’re normally bombarded with. Kate’s tiara is much more accessible than human rights atrocities in Libya or bombings in Pakistan. I’m not complaining – the need for escapism and a bit of light entertainment is, of course, what pays my salary – but the run-up to the whole thing (and the solid obsession) has been draining and more than a little irritating.

In fact, this little Facebook prayer from our long-suffering Lifestyle editor, sums it all up: “Dear Royal Wedding gods, please let it be over soon.”

I’ll bet you the happy couple is thinking the same thing at this point.

The Invite everybody wants…

Having been thrown into an interesting position recently (as in, my best friend – all the way from high school days – has set a date for her wedding and I’m her maid of honour), I’ve found myself somewhat more aware of certain things. Like veils. Potential places for hen parties. Table overlays. Wedding invitations. And then, the biggest invitation of the entire year rolls around and my response was…. *yawn*

To be fair, the British royal family is hardly known for its (overt) wild ways or tendency to break with tradition. So a nice, clean, white invitation with pretty curly writing and a little gold on it wasn’t ever going to go amiss.

Ladies and gentlemen, if you’re lucky enough to be one of the 1900 people close enough to Prince William and Kate Middleton to receive an invitation to their wedding, this is what you would find in your mailbox…

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