Is there something in the water?!

Okay, so this makes me a total girl but I was gutted to hear that Heidi Klum and Seal are separating. They are (I refuse to say “were”, damn you) one of my favourite celebrity couples. And it’s not just them.

Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis are reportedly overs too – they haven’t been spotted on the red carpet together for around a year now and pretty much exist on separate continents (Now, I’m no relationship expert but I’m pretty sure you need to spend at least some time together to keep a marriage going).

Aretha Franklin called off her wedding today, saying that she and her friend/fiance/person felt things were moving too fast (She’s smarter than Kim Kardashian at least)… And that’s just this week. 

None of this is helping my growing fear that I’m going to die alone, by the way. If Elton John and David Furnish/Neil Patrick Harris and David Burtka/Tim Burton and Helena Bonham Carter break up, I’m throwing myself off the balcony at work. Period.

In completely unrelated news (which is how I like to do things!) I’m trying out one of those 30-Day Blog Challenges, starting tonight. The idea is to get into the habit of blogging every day. Don’t worry, it won’t be all that I’m blogging – I just need a little shake-up, is all.

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The JLo divorce chronicles

Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony

Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony. I had to double check and make sure they weren't waxworks.

Now, once I picked my jaw up off the floor after hearing that Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony were separating, I had a little think on the situation. It wasn’t a case of “Wow, I can’t believe they’re divorcing!” (it’s Hollywood, let’s be honest)… My reaction was more one of “Wow, I can’t believe they’re divorcing now!”

But then it all starts to make sense… JLo stepped out of the spotlight a little in order to spawn – and spawn she did, two cute little babies – but then she started to wangle her way back into the entertainment industry. And then… She exploded again.

She’s starred in a (very feeble) romantic comedy about – you guessed it, babies – (The Back-Up Plan made me sick to my stomach, really). She released a new album and she’s on the radio every.bloody.five.minutes with that inane collaboration with Pitbull (seriously, 3/4 of it is “La la la la la”) and she’s on American Idol as a judge.

And now that she’s back at the top of her game – easily the most popular she has been since marrying Marc in 2004 – it all starts coming out. Stories of him trying to be “controlling” and “dominating”, choosing clothes that befits her as a “wife” and freaking out when she tried to dress a little sexier.

It seems like jealousy – on both sides – was the main reason behind the split. JLo hated Marc’s continued relationship with ex-girlfriend Dayanara Torres and, in turn, Marc tried to “micromanage” every aspect of JLo’s life – including her career. A source on the American Idol set dished that JLo would very often say, “Oh, Marc likes this” or “Marc doesn’t think this is a good idea”.  But, it appears, as soon as she realised that she was a superstar all by herself  – and lightyears bigger than Marc – she broke out of the marriage.

We see this sort of thing all the time. One star’s career takes off and their spouse can’t deal. Ryan Phillippe and Reese Witherspoon. Olivia Wilde and oh-goodness-what’s-his-name-again. Ryan Reynolds and Scarlett Johansson.

Jealousy makes you nasty, absence does not make the heart grow fonder and sometimes you just gotta break free and do your own thing.

The long-weekend wrap-up

Right – so I have neglected this blog for a week or so for a number of different reasons, largely:

  • I was working the 10-day weekend news shift. The weekend news shift turns my brain into mush and it’s largely damage control by the end of it, no time for awesome things like blogging.
  • A lot of Grown Up Stuff happened. Being a grown up sucks. But it was a major wake-up call. Things could always, always be worse.
  • After my 10-day shift I went on a four-day weekend. (Perk!) My weekend included catching Kylie Minogue’s Aphrodite Live at the Grand Arena here in Cape Town (amazing!) and surviving my first-ever trail run. I tried to work as little as possible during my time off.

The great thing about taking a little time off is how much cool stuff awaits your return – especially in the entertainment world! In no particular order…

Blink-182 release their new single, Up All Night. It reminds me of being 13 again.

The first trailer for the new Sherlock Holmes movie drops. Robert Downey Jr rocks my socks off.

Rebecca Black’s new single lands. It’s slightly less terrible than Friday. Slightly.

The first teaser trailer for The Dark Knight Rises has arrived. I squealed.

And, if you missed it, a clip from The Walking Dead Season 2.

Also – the big what.the.fuck moment of the week has come in the form of JLo’s separation from hubby Marc Anthony. But, it isn’t very surprising, if you think about it… And I’ll have more on that tomorrow. For now – research. For something pretty damn awesome.

Just call him The Sperminator

Arnold Schwarzenegger

Arnold Schwarzenegger.

You can just call him “The Sperminator”.

Hands down the biggest celebrity gossip story of the week was the surprisingly unsurprising revelation that Arnold Schwarzenegger had fathered a child with his former housekeeper – effectively torpedoing one of the longest-surviving marriages in Hollywood.

Arnie’s illegitimate son, the tabloids took delight in reporting, was born just five days after the birth of his 13-year-old son with Maria Shriver. Amid the scandal, the Governator has announced that all of his planned movie and television work has been put on hold indefinitely – so that means a longer wait for the planned Terminator reboot.  Sorry guys, I know how excited you all were.

“Love children” are, of course, a Hollywood standard – and the tabloids love them*. Who can forget the shock to Gwen Stefani’s marriage after it emerged that her hubby, Gavin Rossdale, had fathered an illegitimate daughter with one of his best friends? Then there’s Liv Tyler, who famously grew up thinking one man was her father, then discovered she was actually the product of a wild fling with Aerosmith lead singer Steven Tyler. And, of course, that bastion of fatherhood, Michael Lohan. LiLo’s dad has a 13-year-old daughter, born from a fling outside his marriage.

I’d hardly call that list “good company”, but at least Arnie knows he’s not alone. But come now, Arnold, the housekeeper? That’s just passé.

But seriously now, how do you marry somebody as testosterone-fuelled as the Governator and not assume that he’s fucking everything that moves? He caused a mini-scandal in 2003 after it emerged that he’d been “groping” women left, right and centre – and I suppose after 25 years of his wife putting up with his shenanigans, Arnold must have assumed that, you know, she’d get over this one.

Although, a secret son is hardly the same as fondling a hot blonde or two, is it? Good on ya, Maria, for kicking him to the curb. Whether you reconcile with him or not is not my place to say – but hopefully he learns his lesson from this one.

 *As a matter of fact, so do I. When else are you allowed to use the phrase “born on the wrong side of the blanket” and still be cool? I’ve used it three times this week already. Four if you count this, and five or six if you count me telling people how I used such an epic phrase.