A right Royal mess

Charlene Wittstock

The new Princess Charlene of Monaco

So there’s pretty much only two things making headlines in South Africa at this point – the Great Vodacom Crash of 2011 (thank goodness I switched networks a few months ago!) and Charlene Wittstock’s wedding to Prince Albert of Monaco.

The whole thing was expected to be a fairytale affair… It’s a beautiful story (on paper ) – a Zimbabwean-born, South African swimmer catches the eye of the prince of the richest country in the world. Of course, that’s soured a little by the fact that said prince was also one of the biggest playboys in the world…

But after years of dating, Charlene Wittstock and Prince Albert of Monaco were due to wed in a highly anticipated summer ceremony. Rumours flew over the menu, the dress, the guest list – it was a wonderful reminder of that other royal wedding a little earlier in the year, only this time it was a Proudly South African wedding! And the new Princess of Monaco made sure that there was a wonderful taste of South Africa – wines from Stellenbosch, chefs from Zimbali and a touch of Afrikaans added to the proceedings.

But there’s a dark cloud hanging over the proceedings – one that, try as they might, can’t be covered by Armani embroidery and Swarovski crystals.

Those persistent rumours – that Charlene tried to run away – just won’t die down. And the more people try to brush the talk aside, the stronger it roars back… And it’s a case of well, where there’s smoke there is most likely fire, too. Continue reading

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Just call him The Sperminator

Arnold Schwarzenegger

Arnold Schwarzenegger.

You can just call him “The Sperminator”.

Hands down the biggest celebrity gossip story of the week was the surprisingly unsurprising revelation that Arnold Schwarzenegger had fathered a child with his former housekeeper – effectively torpedoing one of the longest-surviving marriages in Hollywood.

Arnie’s illegitimate son, the tabloids took delight in reporting, was born just five days after the birth of his 13-year-old son with Maria Shriver. Amid the scandal, the Governator has announced that all of his planned movie and television work has been put on hold indefinitely – so that means a longer wait for the planned Terminator reboot.  Sorry guys, I know how excited you all were.

“Love children” are, of course, a Hollywood standard – and the tabloids love them*. Who can forget the shock to Gwen Stefani’s marriage after it emerged that her hubby, Gavin Rossdale, had fathered an illegitimate daughter with one of his best friends? Then there’s Liv Tyler, who famously grew up thinking one man was her father, then discovered she was actually the product of a wild fling with Aerosmith lead singer Steven Tyler. And, of course, that bastion of fatherhood, Michael Lohan. LiLo’s dad has a 13-year-old daughter, born from a fling outside his marriage.

I’d hardly call that list “good company”, but at least Arnie knows he’s not alone. But come now, Arnold, the housekeeper? That’s just passé.

But seriously now, how do you marry somebody as testosterone-fuelled as the Governator and not assume that he’s fucking everything that moves? He caused a mini-scandal in 2003 after it emerged that he’d been “groping” women left, right and centre – and I suppose after 25 years of his wife putting up with his shenanigans, Arnold must have assumed that, you know, she’d get over this one.

Although, a secret son is hardly the same as fondling a hot blonde or two, is it? Good on ya, Maria, for kicking him to the curb. Whether you reconcile with him or not is not my place to say – but hopefully he learns his lesson from this one.

 *As a matter of fact, so do I. When else are you allowed to use the phrase “born on the wrong side of the blanket” and still be cool? I’ve used it three times this week already. Four if you count this, and five or six if you count me telling people how I used such an epic phrase.