New Year’s Resolution Accountability

So, a few days ago I posted a snapshot of the intro to my New Year’s Resolutions – which I had handwritten in my journal – to Facebook. Photo below. Excuse the handwriting.

ImageOne of my friends called me out on it, writing: “yeah, we want to see the whole thing, and then hold it to you publicly”. Fair enough. So follows my “resolutions” for 2013 – almost in their entirety. Hey, a girl’s allowed one private resolution, right?

  • To write more. Blog more. Journal more. More poetry, more creative writing. 
  • To stick to my current work-out routine – with a little extra, if I can fit it in. This will include signing up for trail runs, doing more runs on my own and trying to eat more healthily. And working up to using the 16kg as my “normal” kettlebell 🙂 (I’m now on the 12kg – I started with the 8kg!)
  • Save more money. Seriously. The little breathing space a bit of saved-up cash gives you does WONDERS for the stress levels.
  • Work smarter. Clear unwanted emails, write reviews and features on schedule, and turn down additional not-my-job work that can be done by somebody else.
  • Organise more social events. This is a big thing for me, because I’m utterly terrified of rejection. To the point that I don’t even invite my own damn friends around for coffee dates. Time to take charge. In 2012, I went out a bit more – and made some awesome new friends. It’s been fabulous for the soul. 
  • Try to relax. I know I suffer from severe stress and anxiety (If I wouldn’t stress myself to death over the cost of therapy, I’d go), so the goal is to learn to try to make some time, every day, to relax. And let things go. Just let things (and people) go.

So that’s it. For this year, at least. 

 

 

High five!

Egg donation number five has been confirmed and a recipient has already chosen me – all within less than a month after the last donation. (See how many people in South Africa need donors?! Seriously, if you haven’t yet – visit Nurture. Now.)

This donation is going to be slightly different – it’s not at the Cape Fertility Clinic, but at another hospital. I’m a little nervous this time round because of the new venue, new staff etc, I think – but I’m sure once I get the ball rolling I’ll be fine again. I’m not good with change 😉

Otherwise, not much to report. I’m currently house- and dog- and cat-sitting in the suburbs, which has meant lots of time by the swimming pool with my Kindle.

And Christmas shopping is (almost) done and dusted (It wouldn’t be me if I didn’t leave at least SOMETHING until Christmas Eve, right?!)

I can’t believe we’re almost at the end of 2012. What a year. What a roller-coaster of a year.

 

 

Brought to you from my brand new Desk

Yes, Desk. With a capital D.

In the interests of being a grown-up and things, I have been shopping around for a Desk for a few months. It’s been tough. I like a desk, it costs more than my month’s grocery bill. I go “Hey! Look, a desk I can afford!” and it’s made out of chipboard. On a whim, last night, I went into a shop (it was almost 8pm on a Friday night, I’m such a rock star) and fell almost in love. Like, I really, really liked it.

So now, I’m sitting at my new Desk with a cup of tea and an episode of QI in the background. It’s the small things.

Also, yes, I’ll be back to blogging about more interesting things than desks, soon. Like, I had my second scan today – all looks good. Also, have had another egg donation blog post brewing in the back of my mind for a few days – about the negative reactions I get (although, they’re far fewer than the positives!) – so I’ll try put that fingers to keyboard for that one, too.

 

Six years.

Every year I’ve written something profound on missing my father, on this – the day that I always think of as the day that we lost him. 22 September was the day he vanished – was thrown into the coma from which he never woke.

Today, I can’t. I’m too heartbroken. Too tired. Today, will just be brief reminder to the world that this amazing man lived. Loved. And was – and is – loved so, so much.

You can read last year’s tribute here and a brief “things I learned from my father” post. One day – not today, I don’t think I can do it – I will write the full story for this blog. It’s a story that needs to be told.

Here, instead, is a picture of my mom and dad taken sometime in the 70s. If I have half the marriage they did, I’ll be happy.

Image

Rain, rain, go away

I am deep in the grips of an “emo” of my own creation, it would seem. Somewhere I became content with having less than I deserved, and now – until I can address it – I’m stuck. Driving myself crazy. 

ImageOver the past month or so since I last updated, I have started journalling. Most of the entries are about my current relationship (if that is the right word) with J. I’m trying to find patterns, make sense – make all of this logical. I’m determined to learn from my mistakes, trying to get stuff out on paper before it drives me insane.

Of course, with everything being… Up in the air, as it is, I’m not comfortable with going into more details. But I’m sure the lack of blog posts has probably given my current mental status away. 

But now, I need to face the fear of rejection. The last time I put myself out there, gave everything – with the Geologist – I got my heart positively pulverised. I gave too much, and it took me too long to recover. With J, to begin with, as a start, I began notice the proverbial sunshine through the rain.

Now rain, rain, go away. 

 

The 30 Day Creative Writing Challenge

A conversation with J recently made me realise that I spend a lot of time saying that I don’t have time to write anymore – outside of work, of course. I’m not talking about blogging – I’m talking about my more creative outlets. I’ve signed up to an online writers’ circle and did a search for a writing challenge to get me into the habit of things. Some of them were pretty shit – or only running at certain times of the year, or paid for, or via-our-Facebook-page.

And then I found Oliver Davies’ blog, and his own list of topics – seems he had the same problem I did. So I’m poaching them, and will possibly tweak them as I go along.

The idea is to hit up a minimum of 1000 words on each topic (poetry excluded), so by the end of this I should have around 30 000 words down.

Oliver’s topics are after the jump, and I’m going to see how this will go 🙂

Continue reading

Today I am grateful for…

know! Two posts in a row! Who knew.

Today has been a pretty atrocious day. I was called an asshole by somebody I thought I knew and received a horribly mean – though, depending on who you ask, probably not entirely un-deserved – email from said person.

So today we are playing the “Today I am grateful for” game. The game involves listing as many things in a row as you can possibly can that you are grateful for. I’m taking a while getting started because I’m looking for the perfect picture to illustrate my first thing…

PUPPIES!

Okay, so it’s not like I have a puppy or anything. Not yet. But I’m grateful that the world that I live in – that also includes so much bitterness and hurt – also includes puppies. Plus, adding this to my list means that I got to trawl through photos of puppies for half an hour. And there’s nothing wrong with that.

Now, on to the big, real stuff. You can duck out here if you’re not into soppiness – I won’t judge you. 

I am grateful for my brother – who offers to assemble the “Justice Friends” to look out for me, and, when I tell him that I “wub” him, replies with: “and i wub wub wub wub (di di do do do) wub wub wub you too.” [He does a mean dubstep impersonation, honest].

I am grateful for chicken mayo sandwiches on the balcony in the sun with a great friend and colleague, who is happy to listen to my ranting and is almost unfailingly supportive. You wish your co-workers were half so cool. Also, she has a cute puppy.

I’m grateful for friends that respond to angsty Gtalk messages, who judge from afar, have collections of House to raid, share Diablo III stories, who obsess over A Song of Ice and Fire with me and send caring Facebook messages from across the globe in response to slightly emo statuses.

You have no idea how grateful I am that I actually have friends.

I’m grateful that I have a healthy body (ish), that I am able to help other people achieve their dreams of having a family. I’m grateful that I have a family, as strange as it may be.

I’m grateful for new shoes, eyebrows that no longer suck and hair that people seem to think is nice and I seem to think is not.

But most of all – I’m grateful that I can pick out things that I am grateful for, and am lucky to have. Two years ago I don’t think I would have been able to name a single thing.

Progress. It’s actually quite lovely.

‘Twas the Night Before Christmas

Lights And all through the house / We all had insomnia and mindlessly contemplated our mortality.

Okay, just kidding. About the mortality part. Not about the insomnia part. I’ve been in Cape Town for just over three years now and I still can’t get used to the fact that the sun sets pretty much in the middle of the night here. I’m exhausted but too wired to sleep (hint – check that your painkillers are sans caffeine before taking them).

And so I’m in front of my laptop, which is probably not the ideal place to be while I should be sleeping. But I’m overtired and feeling rather melancholy – usually a dangerous combination.

I’m currently suffering from a severe case of “This time last year, the Geologist and I…” which is pretty fucking pathetic, actually, because it’s been months and months since he dumped me and I should be over it by now. But it’s Christmas, and Christmas should mean having someone in your life.

It’s a reminder of how deeply lonely I have been over the last few years, and of how I was so damn sure things were going to work out this time last year. We didn’t and they didn’t, and so I’m keeping my chin up and soldiering on and doing all the things that a healthy adult does… While that little voice in the back of my head keeps whispering, “This time last year…”

Raging atheist though I am, I love Christmas. You have no idea how much. I love the lights and the glitter and the baubles. I love the giving and the family vibe. I love gigantic lunches and extravagant desserts. I love it in the ancient Roman sense – the Saturnalia sense. If I could full-on celebrate it all week, I would.

We have always kinda done the traditional Christmas thing – the tree, the star, presents in the morning kinda thing – though we’ve generally kept religion out of it. The day reminds me so much of my dad – he was a total perfectionist about the tree, and one of my favourite stories is of how he spent an hour and a half in a toy store when I was younger picking out the perfect porcelain doll for me.

So whether you’re an angry atheist planning on spending the day locked in your lounge drinking cheap wine or a holy-but-especially-on-certain-significant-religious holidays kinda dude scheduled to spend all day in church tomorrow… Enjoy it. Hug your love ones a little tighter. Bring a little light into your life, whichever way you choose.

Could it be…?

I’ve been assured that the road to blogging success lies in setting aside a part of your day/week to post something. Fine. I shall try to break my day into even smaller chunks.

Working two portfolios is extremely time-consuming, as I’ve noticed. Aside from my daily entertainment duties (which now includes a hefty chunk of rewrites), I’m also running eight separate social media accounts and still trying to manage the rest of the editorial team’s accounts. It’s great fun, extremely challenging and obviously I’ve slipped and fallen a few times. But the point is that all I’m doing at the moment is working myself to a standstill, and not setting any time aside for myself and my passions. (And yes, for the thousandth time, as much as I love movies – driving out to Cavendish and sitting through a crappy movie is definitely under the umbrella of “work”).

If you’ve seen my desk lately (and to be quite honest, I hope there are only a few of you who have), you’ll notice that it is now covered in an array of little yellow Post-Its. I resent the Microsoft Outlook pop-up reminders, and so the cheerful little sticky notes serve as my “oh-yeah-shit-forgot-about-that-and-that-and-that-and-that”.

The Post-Its are one of my new Coping Strategies. And yes, Coping Strategies is meant to be capitalised. It has been a bloody tough year and I’m pretty glad to be seeing the back of it (even though I know wishing away time is never a good thing). Even though I have done some amazing things, I’ve also been to hell and back… A few times.

But I feel like I may be able to get up again. In the spirit of spring cleaning, I’ve redone the blog template. You may love it, you may loathe it. I may change it in three days anyway.

Let’s give this blogging thing a proper go again, shall we?

* And woah. Over 10 500 all-time views?! You mean you guys actually read this? Much love. And a lot more pressure.