Punk’s not dead – though you did try to kill it. The 2013 Met Gala

I’m in a silly, judgy mood tonight. Therefore, I shall resort to silly, judgy things like judging celebrities.

First up… Sarah Jessica Parker. Just, she’s trying so hard that it’s kinda exhausting to look at. From the (admittedly pretty fun) mohawk-inspired Philip Treacy headdress to the very busy, heavy dress (she really does favour the tapestry, does old SJP) right past her lacy knickers (yeah, we can see ’em) and those tartan LV boots. Well. I need to go lie down somewhere.

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Don’t tell anyone, but I really like (most) of Sienna Miller’s jacket. Look, the studs on the sleeves are a bit much. But it’s pretty hot. In a don’t-fuck-with-me-or-I’ll-cut-you-bitch kinda way.

"PUNK: Chaos To Couture" Costume Institute Gala

Speaking of don’t-fuck-with-me-or-I’ll-cut-you couture, Madonna. Just, actually. She’s becoming a bit of a parody of herself, really. But, my god, I wish I had her confidence. And her shoes.

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Look, Stella McCartney tea cosy aside (although secretly I kinda like it), Kristen Stewart looks fierce. Love her make-up. And her hair. And her figure. Please can I have her figure?

"PUNK: Chaos To Couture" Costume Institute Gala

BWAHAHAHAHAHA. Look, I know Kim Kardashian is pregnant. I’m not laughing at her because she’s pregnant. I’m laughing at her because she’s wearing somebody’s fucking dining room curtains… And cut out gloves to match.

"PUNK: Chaos To Couture" Costume Institute Gala

Speaking of people starting to look like parodies of themselves… I’m pretty sure this crown was on the cover of one of Katy Perry’s albums. It’s just… she’s trying so hard. Still, I’d love to go on a night on the town with her. She’s probably a blast. I mean, she’s wearing a crown.

"PUNK: Chaos To Couture" Costume Institute Gala

After some AMAZING looks for a couple Great Gatsby events, Florence McFrumpypants has returned. Last year she wore an Alexander McQueen (I think it was) lampshade. This year, it’s bag lady chic. It’s okay, Florence. I still love you.

"PUNK: Chaos To Couture" Costume Institute Gala

Phwoar. Emma Watson is ridiculously, ridiculously sexy in this gown. Her stomach? I mean, I’d go gay for this girl. (Heck, I’m halfway there already).

"PUNK: Chaos To Couture" Costume Institute Gala

Feathers. Sequins. Sheer lace. Sideboob. Anne Hathaway is exhaustingly edgy in this Valentino. And yet, still looks pretty amazing. And I’m digging on her peroxided hair here.

"PUNK: Chaos To Couture" Costume Institute Gala

Oh, Ashley Greene! You have one of the most rocking bodies in the universe, and you wore a couch you acquired from Marchesa? For shame, Ashley. For shame.

"PUNK: Chaos To Couture" Costume Institute Gala

No, Beyonce. Just no. What the actual fuck are those boots? (I think someone watched Hunger Games recently, actually. This screams “Girl on Fire”)

"PUNK: Chaos To Couture" Costume Institute Gala

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It’s my blog and I’ll post about Jennifer Lawrence at the Oscars if I want to

So Jennifer Lawrence won the Oscars.

She also won an Oscar (for Best Actress in a Leading Role for Silver Linings Playbook – called it!) but she also won the whole damn show. And the Internet. Seriously.

The entire world has gone Jennifer Lawrence crazy – myself included. I have had a long (but very inspiring day) so I’m going to just post pretty pictures, videos and GIFs of Jennifer Lawrence. You’re welcome. (And I’m welcome too).

On the red carpet:

Jennifer-Lawrence-Oscars

“Is there food here?” 
starving

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Oh my god, it’s Bradley Cooper!

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At the ceremony:

Sexy. I wish I was this confident.

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Her name gets called:

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And then it’s everyone’s worst nightmare… Jennifer Lawrence falls at the Oscars.

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But she managed to shake it off where most of us probably would have curled under our chairs and died…

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At her winners’ press conference:

As she walked up onto the podium, a photographer apparently told her to watch her step…

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Then…

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When asked what went through her mind…

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And I love this… This would be me!

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In fact, her whole damn presser is worth the watch if you have a few minutes to spare. She is so cool.

At the parties:

Gets ambushed by her family:

Jack Nicholson crashes her interview (I love her “Oh my god!”)

In fact, the Oh my god is worth a GIF of its own. And with that, good night.

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Oh god. A Justin Bieber sex doll.

I saw this on Hurricane Vanessa this morning. And am now in desperate need of brain bleach. But, of course, sharing is most definitely caring, am I right?

The promo blurb for the Bieber-inspired sex doll reads: “Meet Just-In Beaver, the barely legal boy-toy who’s waited 18 long years to stick his lil’ dicky in something sticky! When he’s not busy beating up paparazzi or beating off, he’s up to his high-tops in hot Hollywood tail! But the Beave-ster doesn’t have this effect just on women — he turns straight men gay faster than you can peel his skinny jeans off! So what are you waiting for, inflate this lil’ pricks’s ego even more and have your very own Beaver bash!”

(I feel mildly sickened after reading that. Wow.)

And the best is in the box:

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Brought to you by the well-classy people at Pipedream… Who just over a year ago made headlines with their Miley Cyrus sex doll. (Which, incidentally, is one of the Google search terms that brings the most traffic to my site.)

I am not okay with Rihanna and Chris Brown’s collaboration

* A relatively rough rant. I may come back and edit it tomorrow. Or I may just leave it entirely. 

I have been ranting to friends/relatives/colleagues about this pretty solidly since yesterday morning, although I haven’t had the time to actually blog about it*.

*Which reminds me, I have a backlog of material – blog, work and personal – to get cracking on. I should probably invest in a day-planner. Do those things actually help?

I am not okay with Rihanna and Chris Brown’s new collaborations.

I am not okay with the fact that in an attempt to “shock the world” (according to one of the producers, Kosine, on the remix of Birthday Cake), Rihanna has made a pretty public statement: It’s okay to go back to the man who abused you.

Court documents in Chris Brown’s 2009 trial made it clear that he beat Rihanna repeatedly. Photographs from that night – the night before the 2009 Grammy Awards – show a Rihanna that is almost unrecognisable.

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Rihanna after Chris Brown's assault of her in 2009. <i>TMZ</i>

The recently released documents made for absolutely terrfying reading. You can read the full report on Perez Hilton’s site but I’ll give you highlights.

He punched her repeatedly, smashed her head against the window, bit her left ear and two of her fingers, threatened to kill her, had her in a headlock and tried to strangle her.

(And yes, all you Chris Brown “fans”, he was also injured. Those are called “defensive wounds”. You find them on rapists, murderers, robbers and abusers. They’re caused as the victim tries to defend him or herself.)

It’s been just three years since that night – and, in fact, Chris is still serving a five-year probation for the felony assault. He made an extremely controversial return to the Grammy Awards last week – he performed twice – and his appearance raised the ire of a number of celebrities, music fans and critics.

They questioned the appropriateness of his inclusion into the ceremony, and his reaction does not seem typical of a man who is remorseful of actions. He tweeted, “HATE ALL U WANT BECUZ I GOT A GRAMMY Now! That’s the ultimate FUCK OFF!”

And you know, in the interests of not stirring the pot without due cause, I kind of left it after the Grammys. It made my stomach churn to watch him parade around the stage, but I could have been being over-sensitive. It happens.

But then Rihanna tweeted her two collaborations with the man that beat her within an inch of her life. And I was unbelievably disappointed.

In 2009, Rihanna said: “I don’t want to be the big domestic-violence spokesperson, because that doesn’t define who I am. But if I can help young women in any way, and that being one of the things they need help with, then I’ll do that.”

Rihanna had a perfect chance – whether she wanted it or not – to make a statement, be a role model. She had the chance, through her actions, to say: What happened to me is not okay. What he did was not okay. I do not need to stand for it. I do not need to go back.

But these two songs have sent a very, very public message: I have forgiven my abuser, and want him back in my life. Even better, I can cash in on the controversy and the abuse.

These were my thoughts before I had listened to the remix of Birthday Cake. And yes, while Chris’ contribution to the song is keeping with the hardcore, S&M style of the original’s lyrics… Well, Jesus H Christ in a handbag, it is not okay for the man that abused you to be singing those lyrics. 

“Girl, I wanna f*** you right now. Been a long time. I been missin your body … give it to her in the worst way. Can’t wait to her blow her candles off.”

I was surfing for various opinions on the tracks, and an article on the Boston Herald site really stuck out. The author had interviewed one Wendy Murphy, who apparently teaches a seminar on sexual violence at New England Law School.

Her thoughts?

“I don’t even have words to describe the perversity of (the collaboration),” she said.

“The obvious message she is sending isn’t that violence is bad, it’s that you need to find a way to enjoy it. … Someone should confront her and say, ‘Women are dying from the same violence you are celebrating’.”

“To do a song with the man who beat the hell out of her is exploiting her own victimization for money,” Murphy said.

I am not okay with Rihanna’s collaboration with Chris Brown.

I do not care – and I suppose it is none of my business – whether she has forgiven him for what he did. I don’t think that I would ever forgive abuse dished out to me. I would never record a fucking song with my abuser. But that’s just me.

And if they are all happy-and-back-together? Well, for god’s sake have some tact about announcing it. Release a statement instead of dropping two unnecessarily controversial tracks. They both owe it to their fans – whether they think they owe anything to the people who keep buying their records or not.

Rita Smith, the executive director for the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, seems to agree with me.

She told MTV News (and I bold this for the tl;dr among you):

“I don’t know what the message is. I would like the message to be: People can change, and I will never be treated that way again and I will never treat anyone that way again.

“If they had released a song saying this is what this represents for us, that would be such a much more fabulous, powerful story than not saying a word,” she said.

Instead, Rihanna’s stand-alone collaborations with Chris Brown are a public statement – that she endorses the man that abused her.

Smith also said that, given Rihanna’s history with Chris Brown: “I think the message she’s sending is that the feelings of being in love are more important than your personal safety.”

Like so many other victims of domestic abuse, Rihanna returns. Convinced he has changed, perhaps, or convinced that she can change him.

And what if, like so many other victims of domestic abuse, it happens again?

Day Seventeen – #30DayBlogChallenge

Day Seventeen – Your celebrity crush.

Bitch, please. I’m an entertainment editor. I don’t have just one celebrity crush. I have loads. My top ones are: Andrew Garfield, Elijah Wood, Hugh Laurie, Ryan Gosling, Mila Kunis, Emma Stone, Olivia Wilde.

Andrew GarfieldAndrew Garfield: Thought he was outstanding in Boy A (Seriously, I say it at least once a month… Go rent that film!), divine in The Imaginarium of Dr Parnassus and unbelievably gorgeous in The Social Network. And now he’s in The Amazing Spider-Man. Yay.

 

 

Elijah WoodElijah Wood: Possibly my longest-lasting celeb crush, it developed not with The Lord of the Rings but with Oliver Twist (a Disney made-for-TV movie, he played the Artful Dodger). Then came LotR and since then… I’ve been sold.

 

 

 

Hugh LaurieHugh Laurie: Smart, funny, sexy as all hell… Sure, I’m probably more than half in love with his House character, but there’s no actor I’d rather see interviewed.

 

 

 

Ryan GoslingRyan Gosling: Lame, I know. So sue me, he’s ridiculously hot.

 

 

 

 

Mila KunisMila Kunis: See above.

 

 

 

 

Emma StoneEmma Stone: One of the smartest, wittiest, most beautiful stars in Hollywood… And she also seems to have both feet firmly in the ground. She’s awesome. Definitely my biggest celebrity girl-crush, by a country mile.

 

 

 

olivia wildeOlivia Wilde: She was “Thirteen” in House, and ridiculously hot in Cowboys & Aliens. Seriously, she’s gorgeous. And funny. And huge-hearted.

Is there something in the water?!

Okay, so this makes me a total girl but I was gutted to hear that Heidi Klum and Seal are separating. They are (I refuse to say “were”, damn you) one of my favourite celebrity couples. And it’s not just them.

Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis are reportedly overs too – they haven’t been spotted on the red carpet together for around a year now and pretty much exist on separate continents (Now, I’m no relationship expert but I’m pretty sure you need to spend at least some time together to keep a marriage going).

Aretha Franklin called off her wedding today, saying that she and her friend/fiance/person felt things were moving too fast (She’s smarter than Kim Kardashian at least)… And that’s just this week. 

None of this is helping my growing fear that I’m going to die alone, by the way. If Elton John and David Furnish/Neil Patrick Harris and David Burtka/Tim Burton and Helena Bonham Carter break up, I’m throwing myself off the balcony at work. Period.

In completely unrelated news (which is how I like to do things!) I’m trying out one of those 30-Day Blog Challenges, starting tonight. The idea is to get into the habit of blogging every day. Don’t worry, it won’t be all that I’m blogging – I just need a little shake-up, is all.

No, Rob. The beard must go.

Look, I’ll admit to being one of the – oh, half a billion – females on the planet that think that Robert Pattinson can be bloody sexy if he wants to be. (And when he’s not in Twilight. I’m sorry, he’s just too pale – and that’s a lot coming from me, seeing as I prefer pale guys.)

But the beard has come back – after about a year of being relatively fuzz-free, it looks like Rob’s been popping fertilisers in his spare time. In a tweet this evening I described him as a “wannabe-wookie” or a “drunken lumberjack”. (Pics taken on 21 October at LAX).

He looks like something out of Star Wars. The Prequels. Tell me I’m wrong.