Okay, yes, it is the title of a supremely cheesy Christina Aguilera song but it’s also something I’ve been struggling with lately.
As you may have noticed from the embarrassing lack of recent posts, I’m struggling to to figure out the best way to express myself. I know that I can write – perhaps at some stage I shall post more poetry and some of my short stories – but at the moment the words are struggling to come. Whether it’s for work purposes or simply for the pure pleasure of it all, I keep running against the same walls – keep being intimidated by the silly, flashing cursor in WordPress or in Office.
This lack of inspiration scares me silly. The fact that I can’t control my words – even when speaking, never mind writing – scares me silly. I’ve made flippant comments that have been misinterpreted. I’ve been irritable, hurt feelings, snapped at people and said things that I’ve later regretted.
I used to journal frantically. At high school I had a tatty pink book I used to carry around with me everywhere, detailing my day-to-day life, the heartbreaks of my teenage years and my hopes, dreams and aspirations. When I got to university, I stopped. Started and deleted a dozen word documents, a handful of blogs. When my dad got sick, I stopped everything. At a time when I needed to write, I couldn’t – it was like all the air had gone out of the world and even scrawling a sentence seemed impossible. I’ve never really recovered. But I need to. I have so many ideas, so much material – poems, short stories, journal entries – that it’s just breaking down that wall.
For a while, I need to write. Put content out into the universe. Face up to the criticism that somewhere along the line I have become terrified of. This may mean that my blog will need to change its form slightly – I will conform less to the “entertainment” theme and more to whatever I need to write on a given day.
To my loyal readers (all two of you), I apologise. I need to be selfish – just for a little while.