A Royal pain-in-the…


Prince William and Kate Middleton in Lego format.

Look, I’ll admit. I do have certain squishy feelings for the British monarchy. They’re relatively pretty to look at and mildly amusing – particularly when they’re making racist jokes (ah, Prince Phillip) and dressing as Hitler and getting stoned (Prince Harry totally turned out to be more fun). But this upcoming wedding has left me feeling a little green. (And not the Prince Harry kind…!)

It’s actually not so much the Royal Wedding itself (and you know you can pretty much hear the capital letters in that phrase) – it’s been the build up… and quite possibly, largely the hundreds of thousands of wedding-inspired trinkets up for sale. Everything from condoms to coffee cups has William & Kate’s faces on them. It’s a marvellous case of “let’s all jump on the bandwagon”. Want to knit your own royal wedding? You can do that too! Looking for “royal” cat food? It’s available.

The media (led, oddly enough, by the US outlets) has speculated on everything from who’ll design Kate’s dress to what knickers she’ll wear on the day. The literary gem that is the UK newspaper The Sun reported that Kate’s been having a recurring nightmare – that she’s at the altar and realises she’s completely naked. No kidding. If it were me, I’d be having much stronger nightmares.

I’ll be quite keen to see the wedding itself – what Kate will wear, what their guests will wear, what vows they recite and whether or not somebody will do/say something inappropriate. But, I feel, this could all be a wackload more fun if we all played the Royal Wedding drinking game (or some variation of it). Sadly, I’m working tomorrow… And apparently they frown upon you being boozed out your bracket at the workplace at 11am.

The world has gone mad over the wedding, and I understand that it’s a nice change of pace from the death and destruction that we’re normally bombarded with. Kate’s tiara is much more accessible than human rights atrocities in Libya or bombings in Pakistan. I’m not complaining – the need for escapism and a bit of light entertainment is, of course, what pays my salary – but the run-up to the whole thing (and the solid obsession) has been draining and more than a little irritating.

In fact, this little Facebook prayer from our long-suffering Lifestyle editor, sums it all up: “Dear Royal Wedding gods, please let it be over soon.”

I’ll bet you the happy couple is thinking the same thing at this point.

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