A Royal pain-in-the…


Prince William and Kate Middleton in Lego format.

Look, I’ll admit. I do have certain squishy feelings for the British monarchy. They’re relatively pretty to look at and mildly amusing – particularly when they’re making racist jokes (ah, Prince Phillip) and dressing as Hitler and getting stoned (Prince Harry totally turned out to be more fun). But this upcoming wedding has left me feeling a little green. (And not the Prince Harry kind…!)

It’s actually not so much the Royal Wedding itself (and you know you can pretty much hear the capital letters in that phrase) – it’s been the build up… and quite possibly, largely the hundreds of thousands of wedding-inspired trinkets up for sale. Everything from condoms to coffee cups has William & Kate’s faces on them. It’s a marvellous case of “let’s all jump on the bandwagon”. Want to knit your own royal wedding? You can do that too! Looking for “royal” cat food? It’s available.

The media (led, oddly enough, by the US outlets) has speculated on everything from who’ll design Kate’s dress to what knickers she’ll wear on the day. The literary gem that is the UK newspaper The Sun reported that Kate’s been having a recurring nightmare – that she’s at the altar and realises she’s completely naked. No kidding. If it were me, I’d be having much stronger nightmares.

I’ll be quite keen to see the wedding itself – what Kate will wear, what their guests will wear, what vows they recite and whether or not somebody will do/say something inappropriate. But, I feel, this could all be a wackload more fun if we all played the Royal Wedding drinking game (or some variation of it). Sadly, I’m working tomorrow… And apparently they frown upon you being boozed out your bracket at the workplace at 11am.

The world has gone mad over the wedding, and I understand that it’s a nice change of pace from the death and destruction that we’re normally bombarded with. Kate’s tiara is much more accessible than human rights atrocities in Libya or bombings in Pakistan. I’m not complaining – the need for escapism and a bit of light entertainment is, of course, what pays my salary – but the run-up to the whole thing (and the solid obsession) has been draining and more than a little irritating.

In fact, this little Facebook prayer from our long-suffering Lifestyle editor, sums it all up: “Dear Royal Wedding gods, please let it be over soon.”

I’ll bet you the happy couple is thinking the same thing at this point.

Lady Gaga’s Judas controversy

You didn’t really think I’d let this one slip through the cracks, did you?

Lady Gaga – never one to do something quietly – has released the audio for her new single Judas. Now, with a title like that you’re not going to do anything but offend the Christian community, really. So I’m pretty sure Gaga saw this one coming. If you want the background to the whole story, you can click here – but basically it boils down to this: Gaga sings about being in love with Judas. You know, the guy who betrayed Jesus to the authorities for 30 pieces of silver.

The president of the Catholic League for Religious and Civil Rights threw a small hissy fit on the matter, accusing her of “trying to rip off Christian idolatry to shore up her talentless, mundane and boring performances”.

“This is a stunt… Lady Gaga tries to continue to shock Catholics and Christians in general: she dresses as a nun… she swallows the rosary. She has now morphed into a caricature of herself”.

Let’s be honest – of course Gaga is trying to be controversial. It gets her sales. And attention. That’s how she rolls. Yes, I’m starting to feel that she’s trying way, way too hard to be “out there” – but it’s better than being vanilla, right?  And there is no better way of stirring up controversy than poking a stick at the Christian community and watching the feathers fly.

But surely, surely these people should realise that they’re being baited? When she dresses like a nun, or swallows a rosary, or covers herself in blood or sings about being in love with Judas, Gaga is trying to get a rise out of you.

And that’s okay. Her soul does not need to be “saved”.

She’s a musician, and much more of an artist than other mass-produced pop acts. If she wants to express herself in a particular way, then let her. Just as the person on the street is allowed to preach in favour of Christianity, she is allowed to use it to as a metaphor.

All of the religious rubbish aside – I’m not particularly impressed with this track. It’s a thumping dance track and is going to be a massive, massive club hit – it’s a powerful track. But it also sounds a hell of a lot like Bad Romance – and still has quite a solid early Madonna feel. But, much like every other song she’s ever written, it’s probably going to grow on me in a massive way.

I just can’t wait to see the video – she’s apparently starring as Mary Magdalene. That’s going to go down very well.

Hiking up Table Mountain for charity

Not quite my usual fare, but I worked hard on this video and despite the voice in the back of my head (which sounds suspiciously like a university lecturer) I’m quite proud of this video. Especially considering I took one for the team and hiked up after the crazy pair, hereafter known as “Rob Squared”.

Basically, two of my colleagues hiked up the Platteklip Gorge trail of Cape Town’s Table Mountain four times each in aid of charity. The event – which attracted over 70 hikers – raised over R425 000 for the Watoto Babies Home for abandoned children and Wilderness Search and Rescue.

Here’s the link to the first-person account penned by one half of Rob Squared – and you can watch the video below.

Britney & Rihanna team up on ‘S&M’

So Rihanna and Britney Spears had the Twitterverse in an absolute frenzy after tweeting that they were collaborating on a track.

Rihanna first tweeted: “I got a #SEXY collabo comin your way supa dupa soon!!!! OH YEAH!!! By popular demand… Its BRITNEY BITCH!!!!”

Britney responded with, “You’re such a tease! I like it, like it… You think they’re ready Ri Ri?”

The pair teamed up on a remix of Rihanna’s S&M. Listen to it below, and I’ll have my five cents after the jump…

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Want your very own Miley Cyrus sex doll?

Well, I wouldn’t. But then I’m not sure I have the required appendages to do more than cuddle with the inflatable Miss Miley.

So, she only turned 18 in November and some enterprising creep has already released a blow-up sex doll in Miley Cyrus’ image. The doll is apparently dressed up in a Western-inspired outfit, much like her Hannah Montana threads… And the doll features “three achey love holes” for you to… erm… enjoy?

The packaging, which features a girl with breasts about the size of the real Miley’s head, reads “She’s had years of practice speaking into the mic, and now she’s ready for yours. Just add air and this teen-queen pole-dancing princess comes of age right before your own eyes. Daddy’s little stoner is ready for you to bone her!”

Ah. Who could resist.

Unsurprisingly, Miley’s said she is “disgusted” by the sex doll and is planning to sue.

The packaging after the jump…

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